![]() It’s not fun to see your neighbors powering through the streets with their faces wrapped in scarves, heads down. So yes, I’m still walking around my neighborhood when I can. I’m not arguing there practicing social distancing and wearing a mask reduces the risk of something bad happening. I keep hearing how it’s really important to spend some time outside right now. Or, if you were anything like me, you got so good at Table Tennis that you lost a few of your closest friends. Maybe you had one of your first sexual experiences while the Cycling theme played in the background. Perhaps you spent a few moody nights alone in your parents' living room trying to get under par on the treacherous golf course. You probably have some funny memories of your time at the Wii Sports Resort yourself. The Basketball Three Point Contest leads to a Pick-Up game mode, the Swordplay mode goes on to a Speed Slice challenge, and even the Frisbee contest becomes a full-fledged Frisbee Golf simulator (which, by the way, is my favorite one). From there, you’re given almost a dozen minigames to choose from, each with multiple levels of difficulty and complexity. Once you skydive in, the game opens up with a huge synth fanfare. That’s how Resort begins, remember? I’ve always wondered what happens to the Miis who don’t make it to the ground. “This is scary!” she said, as she tried to grab a hold of the other dead-eyed Mii characters falling helplessly from the sky toward their new temporary home. ![]() I pushed the disc in and watched my girlfriend skydive onto Wuhu Island. What happens to the loser of the Swordplay contest? Why is the entire population of the resort watching this match as if it were a Roman-style gladiator match? This game raises many questions. But we specifically bought this thing for one reason: Wii Sports Resort. Like the Red Room in Twin Peaks, I could have sat there for hours listening to that strange music, pointing the remote around from square to square, admiring Nintendo’s bizarre decision to have a Weather Channel, a Photo Channel, and an entire News Channel right on the console (did anyone ever even use those?). Honestly, the menu screen would have been enough. Sure, I was regressing, but if there was ever a time to step back a few years (or a decade) from today, it’s right now. And when I clicked the console on, the TV began jingling those weird synth menu screen bells, just as I remembered. It felt like opening up a time capsule-video games can really have that special quality sometimes. It was all right there, exactly as I’d left it. When my Wii arrived last week (god bless the USPS), I felt my body leave the apartment and hover peacefully over the city as I began sanitizing the cardboard, the controller and Nunchuk, and the used copy of Wii Sports Resort. I thought I’d be happy if I never saw a crusty old Wiimote, Wii Motion Plus, and that dumbass translucent condom that held them both together ever again. Like most of you who were disappointed in the Wii (and then the Wii U, which was even worse) I was ecstatic to see Nintendo release the Switch in 2017. I sold it off because I couldn’t stand the finicky Wiimotes, with their ridiculous safety straps, flimsy sensor bars, and the never-ending line of peripherals Nintendo forced us to buy (remember Link’s Crossbow Training?).
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